Something happened to my heart

Lyrics to a song dear to my heart... enjoy...


Not long ago,
on my own
I thought i had it figured out
but i've been changing from the start
out of nowhere
something happened to my heart

I turned the page everyday
but every chapter was the same
and I read it from the start
out of nowhere
Something happened to my heart

Could this be love
that i feel?
the one i've heard about
and what
i've been longing for from the start
out of nowhere
Something happened to my heart

All at once im so alive
I can feel it deep inside
and i want ot share my life
with youi've never felt like this before
i want to feel it more and more...

out of nowhere
something happened to my heart...

two blogs

hey guys! just wanted to let everyone know that i actually have two blogs.. the other is for those times when i feel alone and depressed... if you view my complete profile you'll see it.. not that im advertising it but if you like this one you'll probably like the other one coz they run along the same lines.. thanks!

questions

I see you across the waters
you know my presence
and yet my existance is unknown to you
Do you look at me like you do the others?
do you see me as I really am?
Am I just another one of your girls?
do u choose me only because no one has chosen you?

In my thoughts I know
know that I am nothing to you
and yet my heart secretly longs
to be with you i can no longer wait

My life turns around your every move
every kind word you speak to me
fill my heart and touches my soul
every moment you push me aside
stakes pierce my heart

How can you not know i love you
how can you know me and deny me?
why do u pretend to love me
and then discard me?
the fault is mine i know
when i ask myself
why do i allow it?

random thoughts

hmm.. ok... i just finsished watching the movie Tristan and Isolde for the like the millionth time and I absolutely lovei t! its amazing. I know its a bit of a chick flick and not a happy ending but just the story behind it is so amazing. there are two quotes I especially like. One of them was spoken by Marke when he was asking Tristan if he knew whether or not Isolde had another lover. the quote goes something like this: "is it possible for a man, is it possible for a man blinded by love to not see trechary when it is right in front of his eyes?" He said this when he was trying to figure out if he Isolde was cheating on him. He thought so but didnt know for sure because he was so in love with her that she just looked so pure in his eyes. Another quote was spoken by Isolde to Tristan when he was dying by the river this one goes: "know that i love you, Tristan. Wherever you go, Whatever you see, I will always be with you"... how bitter sweet is that? Actually, this just got me thinking as I was writing. Marke was so in love with Isolde and he also thought of Tritan as a soon that he couldn't bear punish them like a king should do. The usual penalty being death. Instead he allowed them their freedom to be together. He loved Isolde and she loved Tristan? how sad is that? though my love life or lack therof, has never been as dramatic as theirs, I find myself in the same boat as Isolde... not just once but always. I fall in love and the person i like is in love too-- just not with me... why does this happen? not just to me but to most girls out there. I guess it happens to guys as well and they are just a lot less vocal than women are when it come to these matters. Another scenario is this: girl like boy, boy likes another girl, the girl the boy likes is in love with another boy... and the cycle continues.. why does this always happen? is it human nature to really want what we can't have?

head, heart, and hormones

when i started writting this blog, i didnt really have a particular topicin mind. I stil ldont really but i guess i'll just see where i end up. i have had a number of guys in my life. Nothing serious and nothing worth talking about. sexually or otherwise. All my life i was always trying to catch up to thr girls around me. I would pretend to like someone just for the sake of saying that yeah this guy is into me or yeah lets talk about how romantic my life is. I didnt mean to pretend and for most of the time i actually thought i might be in love. Ive noticed two problems when it comes to my love life. or lack thereof. first of all, when i find out someone is into me i automatically feel like im into that person as well even if deep down i really am not. The relationship starts off well. lots of flirting and talking and then i get bored. and i sever all forms of communication. i have done this to numeous guys and i have no idea why i do it. I cant seem to form meaningful relationships with other people. The secon problem i have is that when i find someone i like all effort i cant seem to get my mind off tht person and i do anything to ba able to be around that person and to feel like that person likes me to. take for example Tesh and Damien. Both very good mysterious guy gonig for him. the dark broody guy that i know just wants to be loved. and then there is tesh the handsome fellow who takes cares of people when thery are dtunk at parties and very very handsome. Did i say that already? lol.. anyway, i liked D since before the party my friends and I threw and he came and he said somethings in his drunken state that made me feel all giddy inside. Tesh on the other was also there at the party and boy did i like being with him. Hes more agressive and i could tell both of us were feeling the chemistry. almost made out if other people didnt come walking into the room. lol but yeah both good guys. both of them i really like none of which have even showed a hint of love towards me since the party. I mean come on! what is wrong with me. I know i couldnt probably have any of these guys since i dont really have any time to hang out with them but still i cant get them BOTH out of my head. And theres another problem if tyou think about it. seriously why i cant i just pick one? am i just in love with the possibility that one of them moght like me and thus i pursue them both? does anybody but me even do that? am i so hungry for love that i take whatever comes? I dont know what i want and i also think i want everything. I dont know myself i guess. that the main problem. I keep looking for someone to complete me. To fill this empty void in my life when deep down i know that to be in a healthy realtionship i must first be whole. my mind knows this but how do i tell my heart. or better yet, my hormones hahaha

letting go

Im giving you up. How? i dont quite know yet but im gonig to try. How do you give up something you never really had? it's difficult but its something i have to do. I can no longer live in a world of fantasy and wishful thinking. You have been such a big part of my life. You were my whole childhood and you never even knew it.

I have to give you up know because i've given you every piece of me and now theres nothing left. Nothing left to give you and nothing left for me. I have stood by and watched you with other women, listened to your heartbreaking stories, dreamed about being the girl in your stories of romance and sweetness and fought for you. I've encouraged your efforts with other women which is probably the reason why you never knew i was in love with you this whole time.

I dont think i have the strength to do this anymore. I have to give you up. You have no idea how painful this is for me. I feel like im giving up a piece or myself.

you cant pretend you didn't know how i felt about you all this time. No one is that dense. you chose to ignore my feelings only needing me when no one else was there for you. Sadly, i knew that was the case since the beginning.I knew you never looked at me in that way but deep down there was a tiny hoe that someday you might. i grew so used to pretending to be happy for you with other women that i didnt see what it was doing to me. i grew so attached to you and now i dont know how to let go.. i dont know how but i have to... i dont have anything left in me to hold on you see? im broken. damaged. hurting.

I dont know how else to explain what im feeling except that it hurts. it hurts like hell.. I have no idea wht im going to do with out you... no idea at all... i know this is something i have to do so why am i resisting it? how come i dont want to do it? whats wrong with me?

How do i let you go?